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I should have been there to witness this moment of your despair. You promised me time travel (you did). Chop! Chop!

"You get what you get..." I imagine sessioning with a Domme for the first time can feel like visiting a well reviewed restaurant you've only read about. Most will look at the menu, choose their all time favorites, maybe even get adventurous and order that scrumptious looking dessert they saw online. You inform the server of your allergies, and are soon served bread, water, and cocktails- preliminaries complete. Your meal arrives, everything tastes *chef's kiss*- exactly what you wanted. Even your notion about the dessert was spot on. "Great order." I imagine sessioning with a Domme with whom you have a rapport can feel like walking into neighborhood bar in Boston owned by retired, (sober) alcoholic, baseball player. You hang up your overcoat, turn around and hear everyone shout in unison, "Norm!" as they do every day (PS your name is Norm). By the time you walk past the barkeep and make it to your special stool, Carla has your favorite cold sudsy beverage in hand... ..."and you don't get upset."

I would never play without a safe word. The important part of the safe word is the first part, "safe". It's intended to keep both you and the Domme safe in a complicated, emotional, and intense situation. In terms of humiliation and anxiety, I suppose the lack of a safe word is less important, but if you're doing intense pain play, a safe word is a must. With regards to pain, a safe word is a very important signal to the Domme that something is wrong. I like to say there's "good pain" and there's "bad pain" in a session, and a safe word is designed to prevent the bad pain, the kind that can result in serious injury. For example, I recall a session in which I was blindfolded, restrained, and standing. Somehow or another, I ended up falling over and hitting my head which hurt in a bad way. The mistress attempted to 'catch' me and she ended up falling too. After we both took a pause and I regained my composure, we continued once the pain in my head went away. Another such type of situation is with restraints - if you lose feeling in your limbs, say something and have the restraints adjusted. Yes, it disrupts the flow of a session, but it also prevents permanent injury. Let's say you want to be spanked very hard during a session and wish to push your limits of pain tolerance. Foolishly, you decide "I don't need a safe word! Keep spanking even if I ask you to stop!" and the Domme starts spanking away. But one of the strikes misses slightly and causes your knee to slam into the table you're secured to. You're in an unbearable, unexpected, unwanted type of pain, and you beg her to stop. How does she know to stop or keep going? If you want the sensation of fear, an approach is to be honest with yourself about what your limits are in detail - what don't you want to do, no matter what? what do you want to do? and, importantly, what do you want the Mistress to push you in? Some call this a "soft limit", and a good way to get the feeling of fear is to build up to it, feel yourself approach the limit, and let the Mistress push farther and farther. Since this is something known to both prior to the session, she'll be paying attention to how you react and the buildup serves to amplify your own internal feelings of dread. "Can I continue to endure? When will she stop?" Playing with endurance can really get fear going, "only 30 more seconds" or "10 more, let's do it!" can allow you to get that sensation without doing anything unsafe. For me, that approach works very well in a safe manner. I wonder how much I can take, and I try to obey and take more if the Mistress keeps going to her preferred stopping point. I always find that the Mistress will take me farther than I would have willingly gone, but not too far.

I’m looking for fear but not terror, so for me I think it’s finding someone who is really good at knowing where your boundary really is. If we both know I’m fine with an 8 but a 10 is too much, what happens at 9? Will it be too much? That anticipation is also fear. And I trust my Mistress to know how to find that line and push me right to up against it.

Fear is the body’s response to risk. To achieve real, cold-blooded fear in a session- something real has to be on the line. Maybe your pride. Maybe a cherished self-image. Maybe the illusion that you’re in control. You get out what you put in. No domme needs to remove your safeword to take away your control. We simply reveal that you never had any to begin with.

Realizing you are powerless is a feeling of complete freedom. I need not be concerned about anything in my former life. Everything is now at the direction of my Mistress. I no longer have to think. I merely obey. My feelings are of complete trust and safety for her to take me on this journey. She controls my thoughts. She dictates my actions. Only when I am powerless I am truly free.

As a first timer I recommend a list of the things you want to explore. It does not have to follow specific scenarios unless that is what you want. When I started It was 2-3 things I wanted to try and then grew with more experience. Keep it simple with what you like. Two hours may be good for a first time. The Fortress Mistresses are excellent communicators. You will have time to get to know them. Share your interests. Then go at a pace that is comfortable for you. I am glad you are taking the plunge. Nerve racking but a lifetime of rewards await. Good luck!